IVF Pushed Me to a Dark Place. Now I’m Trying Again at 44.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Marta Milans. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I got married in 2021. I got pregnant naturally shortly after, but sadly, it was an ectopic pregnancy. My doctors found out I had some uterine problems that needed to be addressed.

I didn’t want to waste more time, so I jumped right into an IVF journey.

I went to my native Spain to receive IVF treatments. It was successful, but it was a ride.

My baby was born when I was 42

There’s a clinic in Valencia called Equipo Juana Crespo. Dr. Crespo is a legend. She clocked the problem, and I had some surgeries to prep myself. I then did a bunch of IVF cycles back-to-back to try to get a healthy embryo. We put in two and hoped one would stick.

We had my baby daughter when I was 42. She is now 18 months and is perfect, everything I could hope for.

No one prepared me for how lonely the IVF process is, and how hard it is on your body and mind. Everyone reacts differently, but hormones, at least for me, changed what I thought was real. It took me into a darkness, and it was hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

At one point, I had vertigo, lack of sleep, lost a lot of weight, and had suicidal thoughts. It changed my personality completely. No matter how amazing your partner is, it’s on you to share these things with them. They won’t understand what your mind is going through.

I called my doctors and said sorry, I don’t want to die to become a mother.

We have to do IVF again

I only had two embryos, and we implanted both. That meant that if I wanted to have another child down the road, it would require more IVF.

I lost my grandmother, but before she passed, she told me, “Don’t worry, when I get to heaven, I’ll send you a baby girl.” I decided to have faith that it would work.

I now want baby number two, and we have to go through it all over again. I’m more prepared this time.

Biology is biology, and our ovarian reserves go down, and our eggs get worse. It’s harder to become a mother later in life,…